STREN - A MODEL OF A HEALTHY ATTITUDE, FEELING, BEHAVIOR, COPING SKILL OR CONCEPT THAT I CAN USE TO ENRICH MY LIFE

This stren deals with Blaming
[Recognizing and managing shortcomings]

          This stren explains why you get stuck in old patterns.  It shows you how to resume your growth by welcoming criticism.  This is one of the most important strens to feeling good and doing good.  Would you practice regularly until you really get it?

          “I’m so stupid.  I should have learned that by now.”  “How could I?”  “If I’m like that, I could never forgive myself.”  “I’m such an asshole.”  “Not again”  “Oh, shit!”  “What’s the use!”

          Do you find yourself uttering these phrases or some form of blaming when you discover a personal shortcoming?  If so, you do what most people automatically do as their very first response to discovering a shortcoming.  This wouldn’t be a problem if you then went on to pick yourself up quickly.  By moving on to the problem-solving method of facing and improving your many imperfections, you’ll feel better and continue to grow.

          First, recognize your usual automatic blaming response(s).  By labeling it accurately, you detoxify it so that its harmful effects are considerably diminished.  “That’s a blaming response.  I know blaming does not get me what I want in the long term.  I’ll challenge it or ignore it so that I don’t keep dwelling on it.”  Even if you are a hard-working “A” student, this one step will take many repetitions over a long period.

          Substitute for blaming the following problem-solving response or make up your own shorthand statement.  It will become so easy and natural after a good bit of practice that you will hardly be aware that you have established a new pattern to deal with your shortcomings.   The response will be condensed to a few sentences, then a word, an exclamation, and ultimately become so automatic that it will replace the old blaming pattern without conscious expenditure of valuable energy.

          “As a human being, I can expect to be far from perfect.  I’m going to make lots of mistakes the rest of my life.  I grow most rapidly when I recognize my shortcomings, energetically face them, think them over and then do my reasonable best to learn from them.”

          While you don’t remember your own attempts at walking, you have certainly observed a child learning to walk.  Clumsy, swaying, too far to the left, falling, getting up, too far to the right, falling, and so on.  Learning to walk requires many mistakes.  By nature, the child doesn’t condemn himself/herself.  The child simply uses the last mistake to correct for the next try.  Get the point - learning is built on mistakes.  They are usually required.  How do we get so caught up in blaming our self for our mistakes, as adults, when the infant seems to so productively and automatically deal with mistakes???

          One of the most important growth skills I can accomplish is becoming aware of my mistakes.  This allows me to take responsibility and work out a plan for change.  Therefore, every time I can identify an imperfection, my mistake, my inconsideration, I will emphatically challenge my blaming response and enthusiastically endorse myself for being “a wise ostrich” that takes my head out of the sand and faces the world as it really is.  Avoidance brings short-term gain at the price of long-term pain.

          You see, people commonly spend their lives as “love junkies,” looking to others for approval as their “fix” to feel good for a little while.  This is OK but it doesn’t lead you to recognize your mistakes, shortcomings, and imperfections.  As long as others overlook your mistake, shortcoming, or insensitivity for fear of offending you, you will go on making the same mistakes.  To know you put too much salt in the soup may benefit many in the long term.  Being told “what a wonderful soup-maker you are” may bring many more “too salty” soups.    Any growth that you accomplish first requires recognition of what you lack.

          When you accept that each time you become aware of a shortcoming, you are not “bad” or “stupid” but are indeed doing what you reasonably can to improve yourself; you deserve to say “I’m terrific!”  Facing life as it is so that you can ask your self the magical sentence, “What can I learn from this to become better prepared for the next time?” is one of the most worthy acts you can make and a valid reason to endorse your self in the strongest way you know how.

          “Congratulations to me!!!  I’m doing what I reasonably can, and therefore I deserve to feel good right now for doing my reasonable best.”

“Good judgment comes from experience.
And where does experience come from?
Experience comes from bad judgment.”
Mark Twain