STREN - A MODEL OF A HEALTHY ATTITUDE, FEELING, BEHAVIOR, COPING SKILL OR CONCEPT THAT I CAN USE TO ENRICH MY LIFE

This stren addresses the “Blaming” mental response pattern

          In developing A PRACTICAL PERSON’S GUIDE TO FEELING GOOD AND DOING GOOD through ANWOT, I have identified and labeled eight mental choices that are available to us in dealing with life’s challenges.  I explain each in various writings; this stren provides an easy method to identify when you are “blaming” and gets you started on how to change this nonproductive pattern.  

          Because the blaming mental response pattern (MRP), I believe, is the most widely used MRP, it accounts for more overall grief than any other pattern.  It is the root of much inappropriate guilt, depression, resentment, and aggressive behavior.  Yet, it is one of the easiest to recognize and quite amenable to change.

          Blaming arises from the “fight” part of our inborn “fight or flight” pattern to manage stress.  In today’s world, we generally don’t express our primitive tendency to physically attack that which causes problems; rather we attack with words and symbols.  When we don’t get our way (which is most of the time) frustration occurs and we are prone to (a) blame others (leading to aggression and resentments) or direct the anger inward and (b) blame ourselves (leading to guilt, self putdowns, and depression).  Inappropriate aggression, resentment, and depression are unwelcome companions to most of us.  Though healthy and necessary as a brief automatic response, getting stuck in blaming is a major source of day-to-day unhappiness.  Prolonged blaming leads to both physical and emotional disease.

          BLAMING DOES NOT LEAD TO BENEFICIAL LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES.  [Is a life-threatening situation an exception?]   Blaming does provide short-term satisfaction to our primitive feelings of arousal.  Can you think of any long-term benefits of blaming?

          Here is a simple way to reduce much of the unwanted inappropriate aggression, resentment, and depression you carry around with you ... as clear as a blinking red light that can warn you when you are about to react in some way that compromises your happiness, your physical and emotional well-being.   Apply the direction here provided with a bit of work, practice, and patience, and you will get unstuck.

1. Learning starts with labeling

          The first step is becoming skillful in accurately recognizing (LABELING) the response pattern to be altered.  Self-direction requires the use of your conscious thinking; words and symbols are the handles it needs to take charge and manipulate the changes you desire.    

The blaming MRP has two parts: it begins with one of the prescriptive words ... “should,” “have to”, “must”, “ought” and ends with “and therefore, ‘they’, ‘he’, ‘she’, ‘it’ deserves punishment.”
          Part (1): a prescriptive word(s)
          Part (2): a putdown word, symbol, or action

     (a) The Blaming-out MRP:
     “They”, “he”, “she”, “it’, “mother”, “God”, “the world”, “the weather” did what he shouldn’t have done [didn’t do what he
     should have done] and therefore deserves punishment. 

Example of blaming-out: “He shouldn’t treat me that way.  I ought to kick his butt.”  “Damn that train, it made me late again.”   

__________________________________________________________________
(Fill in your favorite hurt or excuse words)

Example of blaming-in: “I should have spoken up, therefore I am ... guilty, no good, stupid, a jerk, a mouse, an asshole”, and so on. 

___________________________________________________________________      
(Fill in the favorite put-down words you use on your self)

I am primarily a .......................Blamer-outer  _____  

I am primarily a .......................Blamer-inner  _____

I do well at both..........................................  _____
                                                             (Check one)

2. Practice the labeling process

          Look and listen for the prescriptive blaming words -- should, have to, must, ought, need to.  There are a very limited number to identify.  Our response patterns are usually repeated - they have become habitual.  Note when you are “shoulding” on others, its, or on your self!  Each instance of blaming may be considered a negative event, causing, at least, a little bit of trauma.  Repeating harmful acts without learning from them builds over time.

          Each time you appropriately label the traumatic act “blaming,” you slightly weaken its impact.  Each recognition of “blaming” is practice towards turning a traumatic response into a learning opportunity!  You may better prepare your self to better deal with the future occurrence of the blaming.

          Be prepared to miss more blaming responses than you label.  We are not able to identify all of our blaming statements.  We don’t need to for regular consistent labeling of SOME blaming responses will gradually lead to easier, effortless, automatic, habitual, lessening of such blaming responses. 

BLAMING WON’T BE STOPPED ALL OF A SUDDEN

          Any pattern that has been repeated thousands (1000’s) of times will persist.  Developing a new pattern will involve repetition and practice ... like acquiring skills of reading, of using the computer, or playing a musical instrument.   Given the number of repetitions and length of time it has taken to create your present blaming patterns, how many repetitions would you guess it would take to change your blaming patterns?  How many to develop a new more appropriate response?

3. Validate your self -- let it be fun!

          (a) Like working a crossword puzzle, every identification can be enjoyed.  Each and every recognition of a blaming response deserves a self pat-on-the-back.  As with airline travel points, you may need many to “cash in,” yet each step along the way can bring satisfaction.  The skill of self-validation, of enjoying each step, is also the secret of developing PATIENCE.  Many persons who have great difficulty with patience ask, “Where can I take a crash course?”  I know of no better way than self-validation, than developing a sense of satisfaction as each steppingstone is acquired along the way. 

          (b) CAUTION: BEWARE OF “SECONDARY BLAMING”: If you apply yourself, it won’t take long before you get reasonably efficient in recognizing your blaming.   If you’re like most, in spite of your efforts you will still find the pattern of blaming persists.  And then we tell our self “I shouldn’t have let that get by!”  “I should know better by now.”   This is what I call “secondary blaming” - blaming our self for blaming our self.  We become aware of the harm we create by putting others or our self down and then punish our self (i.e. predictably follow what the old pattern dictates) with such standard secondary blaming responses as “I’m so stupid!  I should have got that last week.  I could kick myself.”

          Do you blame yourself for making the same mistakes over and over?  Can you identify what words you use when you so engage in secondary blaming?  If you can, write them down.

__________________________________________________________________
(My secondary blaming words) 

          Fortunately, secondary blaming is easy to deal with once we learn to recognize it by properly labeling it.  Since we have been blaming our self so long, why would we not expect to continue to blame our self for some time after we become aware of continuing instances of blaming others or our self?  Our feelings learn far, far slower than our knowing and take considerable time to “catch up.”

4. Tune out the blaming MRP

          Once we are able to appropriately label the blaming response, we are in a position to weaken it.  We do this by learning to tune it out.  It may seem strange that we have to “find something” to “lose it”.    Tuning out an undesired habit is an active process.  The value of a habitual response is that once acquired, an appropriate stressor may activate it automatically without requiring conscious effort or energy on our part. Changing habit requires conscious effort.  The “tuning out” process is an action step, like erasing a misspelling - it stands in its original form, often without our being “aware of it” unless we recognize it and make the change.

          Each time you recognize a “blaming” response and label it as such, stop dwelling on it, “dismiss it,” pay it no attention.  YOU CAN DO IT ... just as you would frequently “tune out” the radio or T.V. even though you know it is turned on.   You get busy doing something else (soon to be described) and if asked, “What did the announcer say?”   You may respond, “I know the T.V. was on, but I wasn’t listening.”

5. The creative act - the problem-solving response

          In general, you would be wise to apply the problem-solving “magical sentence”: - What can I learn from this situation that I may better deal with it now or in the future?  This mental response will be elaborated in another stren.  However, the specific appropriate action to “tune out” the blaming MRP is to direct your energy to change prescriptive words to descriptive words.

Prescriptive vocabulary: Should, can’t, have to, must, ought, need to                                                          

Descriptive vocabulary: Could, I am wise when ..., I choose .., I prefer ..., What I want in the long-term is ...

          Descriptive words lead to the problem-solving behavior, improving a situation.  There is no “one,” “ones,” or “its” to be punished.    This may seem a bit simplistic, but I believe explanation of why this method is effective is quite profound.  Here is my understanding. 

          I believe words become connected to physical responses.  Words become wired to nerve patterns like the light switch on the wall is wired to a specific response.  The relative immature brain of the child can only deal with prescriptive patterns.  “You must not go in the street!” “You have to go to bed.”  “You shouldn’t have taken the candy.”  “You need to do what I say.”  And if the prescription is not followed, there usually follows some discomfort -- disaffection, scolding, spanking, or some form of putdown.   Descriptive words, to the contrary, may lead to a newer way of thinking, one that asks for a creative solution to understand or resolve an issue rather than attempt to bring about change by punishment or intimidation.  Whether you accept this explanation or not is OK.  I do believe if you begin substituting descriptive words for the prescriptive language that is part of early training, you will find that there is change.  There will be more problem-solving and less “other” and/or self putdowns. 

6. Public affirmation: Learning occurs more surely and consistently when we are willing to generate some enthusiasm for what we are doing and then share this with appropriate significant others.  As you experience the benefits of substituting descriptive words with prescriptive words, take personal responsibility for problem-solving, and become less reactive, explain it to an other ... periodically as you progress and get unstuck from “shoulding”.  Sharing with enthusiasm facilitates personal commitment.  Sharing also invites feedback for our critical appraisal.

          Rarely will situations require an emergency response.  By taking a bit of time, thinking a response through, and sharing your views with others, you are shifting the odds in the direction of making a more mature response. 

SUMMARY:
1. Learning starts with labeling.
2. Practice recognizing your blaming MRP.
3. Validate yourself with each recognition - let it be fun!
4. “Tune out” your blaming responses.
5. Substitute descriptive language for prescriptive language, problem-solving for blaming.
6. Share your experience with another or others. 

See also the stren: “Blaming”